Difficult moments are interesting – when we are irritated, angry or confused about what’s happening – what is going on there? Usually we react like that because something important happens but we don’t fully understand, or we can’t really deal with it well. So I take difficulty as a reminder to pause and become curious.
What happens when we are curious about our difficult experiences? The below image captures the path that I got to know by meeting difficult moments like that. It leads from difficult moments, which can be very intense and narrow, to a place of noticing and committing to what matters that is more open and playful.
Recently I got pulled onto another path that feels a bit like a short cut. It focuses on curiosity about the other. When I find myself getting irritated at somebody’s behaviour, or, when an encounter feels like we approach a stubborn/dead end/head to head confrontation, I try to trace back the starting point of that feeling and ask if I can be genuinely curiosity about why this was important (or makes sense) to do for the other. If I find some of that curiosity, I ask: how come you did/care about xyz? (or whichever question can transmit a genuine curious impulse). Sometimes its not possible because it is too big for me – i am caught up in my own emotions or lack of clarity. But sometimes it is possible, i think especially in spaces where i can access my trust.
Below I describe the different ‘phases’ along that path:
- trigger: a moment of intensity, struggle, discomfort – a frown, gasp of fear, sadness, anger, judgement, frustration, murkiness – or a lack of presence and participation, a sense of tightness, blur, numbness or fading away.
- grounding/noticing: taking the time, creating a gap, clearing mental space – “no need to act or understand immediately” – what am I experiencing? what are the facets of this moment, what is coming up? is there any change I can make that would make me feel more comfortable in my body and surroundings? in all senses, things I’d locate ‘inside’ or ‘outside’ of me. breathing, sounds or movement might help (relaxing the shoulders, taking slow, deep breaths, humming – if the situation feels right for it, laying down on the floor, rocking, rolling, sounding, stretching).
- response-ability/my multiverse: engaging with this dynamic ‘fully as mine’. i can and should do with / through it what is mine to do. both in the sense of not getting distracted by focusing on and blaming others, as well as by taking the liberty to really do what I think is needed and right: how is this all meaningful to and affecting me? it might be interesting to go back and notice the ‘trigger’ from this perspective.
~ go slow ~ this shift, and the gradual unfolding of noticing can be a very slow process and take a lot of time. many moments, diverse encounters. - reflection/what’s below, driving this: what valuable aspects or sources of strength/delight are covered below the thing I “judge as unwanted / impossible to participate in”? can I relax this quality of trigger/struggle/”argh!”, and sense into this situation concerning the message it conveys in terms of “this is important to me!”? which quality is this experience inviting me to pay greater attention to, be more welcoming towards, stand in for with my behaviour, or go look for others who support and inspire me in this regard?
- commitment/Willensstärke: once there is greater clarity and moments of opening, i consciously acknowledge that this is what is central for me (here and now). this is my experience and perspective of this situation. i will use my voice, brains, bodies and whatnot in service of this. i will not get distracted by something else (e.g. telling others how they are wrong and attempting to correct their actions; or, pretending nothing happened, numbing my self so as to fit in).
- playful/open engagement: I do/ask/feel this. what happens from there? creative ideas and new paths do emerge with time spent in this attitude. let the process do its work, too. practice rest and patience.
- curiosity about the other: why do you do or care about this? when we speak and act from a (particular) place of curiosity, we extend an invitation for others to do so, too.